Like I'm Living an In-dian Dream

Living in India is like living in a post-grad’s daydream.

There's countless interesting and exotic things to see and experience. Like zipping around traffic on the back of a motorbike. 

I get to eat and cook delicious food. I can now identify a few of the common vegetables in Hindi.

I have a feeling of being special here. What person doesn't want that, at least a little? 

I feel like I'm leading an exciting life of adventure. Everything is so new and different.

I get to wear inexpensive, and forgiving yet beautiful and comfortable clothing.

Plus, I cannot tell you how amazing desert air is for wavy, normally frizzy hair. Everyday is a good hair day.

Yet, living in India is also like living in a teenager's nightmare...

Here are the Top 10 Most Common Nightmares (according to health.howstuffworks.com) and How They’re Like Real Life In India (according to me)

10. Feeling Trapped or Lost

This is traffic in Jaipur.

Source: Art.com

Source: mattwitts.blogspot.com

As if I wasn’t already feeling metaphorically lost in this culture…

It tells you something when I legitimately didn’t realize for over a day that they drive on the opposite side of the road.

9. Falling or Drowning

Falling: In my household whenever I trip or fall down I’m told “I’m beautiful.” It’s become so engrained that whenever I trip dodging a cow, or fall in a two foot wide hole that’s randomly now in the street, my mother’s voice pops into my head.

Drowning: This is my shower… therefore to clean myself I have to hold my breath pour that small bucket over my head repeatedly. Enough said.

8. Machine or Phone Malfunction

This is two part. The language barrier is only exacerbated by texting. Even when I figure out what someone has said, I then have to figure out if they mean it to be that creepy or not. I could write a book about “weird things texted and said to me on the phone and internet in India.”

Phone/internet malfunctions are just part of life. The super slow Internet will frequently go off for days at a time…which means I have yet to be able to skype my simply adorable new nephew. However, waiting until my signal is strong enough to download a picture in 20 minutes is made worth it by getting this:

Text messages can also be delayed for long periods of time leading to conversations like this:

Via text message:

Friend: What does “extremely bothered” mean?

Me (delayed for about a day): Very upset.

Via phone call a few days later:

Friend: Are you okay?

Me: Yes.

Friend: Why are you upset?

Me: I’m not upset.

Friend: Are you sure?

Me: Yes

Friend: But you told me you were upset.

Me: No I didn’t.

(It took me 5 minutes before I figured out what happened, and then 3 times as long to try and explain it to my friend.)

7. Being Naked or Inappropriately Dressed in Public

Indian modesty still confuses me. Showing your entire stomach? Fine. Showing your ankles or neck? Hey now.

I went dressed like this to day one of an Indian wedding (more on that later):

I was asked multiple versions of, “Do you not like Indian dress?”
Ma'am this is not my everyday attire back home.

6. Natural or Manmade Disasters

Does an incredible amount of (sometimes feral) stray animals count as a natural disaster?

Does an overwhelming amount of trash piled everywhere count as a manmade disaster?

5. Poor Test Performance

When I manage to get a response from a school, an educator, or someone else I wish to speak with, it’s a dream come true. Unfortunately, a vast majority of these end with me:

1.     never hearing from again “…”

2.     me waiting around for an hour or two before deciding they’re just not going to show up “Buzzy now, 2mrrw wek?”

3.     having it take a creepy turn (Via email) "You're beautiful...are you married?"

Poor response time, poor follow through, incredible amounts of missed appointments and a weird expectation that if I want to talk to you about arts education, I’m also interested in marriage, make me frequently feel like I’m not accomplishing what I wish to do on my Bristol.

4. House or Property Loss or Damage

My house is in a safe neighborhood, has massive locks on all the doors, a gate, and bars on all the windows. We also know all our neighbors.

Last week one of my friends (who does not have these advantages) had a man climb into her second story window. While she was sleeping she had her macbook, phone, charger and money stolen. Another one of my friends recently was sent home by her embassy after police had to rescue her after she was locked inside her house.

3.Car Trouble

Traveling into town can take anywhere from 20 minutes to 1.5 hours. I spent two hours on a bus to go a few blocks (once it took a turn and I got lost on the maze of streets and had to wait until I recognized something again.) My preferred method of transportation is tuktuk. Here are the steps to riding a tuktuk.

1.     Flag one down.

2.     Try to communicate where you’re going. (If they’re really not getting it, call a Hindi speaking friend.)

3.     If step 2 takes too long (~1 minute) you’ll get a crowd of about 3 or up to 10 men who will do their best to sort of help. Emphasis on the “sort of.”

4.     “Kit-na” or “how much.”

5.     Act shocked (whether or not you really are)

6.     Walk away.

7.     (optional) get really angry over their price

8.     (also optional) realize you’re getting incredibly angry over 40 cents

9.     Repeat until one follows you and agrees to a more reasonable price.

2. Suffering an Injury, Illness or Death

I don’t think I need to explain this one-- India’s reputation speaks for itself. For further reading, please refer to my post about my trip to the hospital, “Under Observation.”

1. Being Chased or Attacked

I would be lying if I said this wasn’t a concern. When two dogs chased a motorbike I was on yesterday, in my panic, I accidentally punched the driver in the back (what can I say, I have fantastic instincts.) For safety, I keep my eyes down, don’t smile and cover up as much as I can. I rarely leave the house alone, and always have a companion at night.

You know that dream where you feel like everyone is staring at you? It’s not a dream here, everyone really is—in traffic, on the street, everywhere. Eyes frequently “chase me.” People also frequently try to interact with me. Sometimes this is lovely. Whenever I walk in the neighborhood I’ll get about 10-20 small children calling out a faint, high-pitched “hello!” from the rooftop. This is always followed by uncontrollable giggles. The downside is when someone says hello and acts really friendly I have about 2 seconds to look at them and realize if I’ve met them before or not. If I guess wrong I’m either about to really insult an acquaintance or inadvertently tell a stranger “yes, please follow me because I think we’re soul mates” by smiling.

I’ve been lucky. The worst “attack” I’ve faced is an “attack on my heart.” Having hoards of small and impoverished children occasionally follow me. I will take catcalls and men inappropriately touching me any day over that.